October 9, 2016

This blog post comes directly from my journal.

*12:18 AM*

I’m back to where I’m suffering from insomnia. Maybe it’s because I took a nap earlier today, I have no clue. I don’t know what is going to happen because I’ve taken myself off of all of my medications; even my treatment for MS.

*12 PM*

I don’t know if I’ll end up in a wheelchair, maybe I won’t. I know people talk about depression with this illness but at the end of the day- what isn’t there to be depressed about? If I didn’t have a job to look forward to, I’d probably suffer from major depression. I’ve tried to act normal and act like I’m not constantly in pain. The thing is: I’m not normal, and I’m always in pain.  I wish I could still shoot photos… I just can’t.

*4 PM*

I can’t go to the gym every day like I used to. I guess that could be a good reason to be depressed. I eventually could be depressed, if I don’t get some kind of normalcy back. If that’s even possible.

Uncomfortable Pain

I haven’t blogged for awhile. Minus the post from a few days ago.

My MS is keeping me homebound; 91% of the time. Since Monday my left leg has turned into what feels like a block of cement. I’m pretty much in a slight state of depression over this. I walk and feel nothing but pain. I want to cry, but I can’t. I’m dragging around my leg and I know people are looking at me, so why go outdoors? Why face the stares?

I have to. Because I do need to make a living while I still can.

Sigh.

Orlando

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I feel as though I need to address what happened Sunday morning.

This act of terror hit close to home. No, I’m not gay myself. But a close friend and family members are. In fact, one lives close to Orlando.

Let’s look at it this way.

We’re all supposed to be free to love whomever we wish to love in this country. We’re supposed to have that right. No one has to agree with who we love.

Here’s the problem:

A man saw something he didn’t like between two other men. If it upset him, well, in my opinion, it was none of his business what this couple was doing.

That was the solution.

Mind your business.

That’s also another problem in this country. People don’t know how to stay out of anyone’s business.

This terrorist took it upon himself to take the lives of 50 people and injure 53 more. All because he didn’t agree with their lifestyle? How did the FBI let him skim under the radar once he was red flagged?

The more the week progresses, the more we try to understand how this happened.

As a Catholic person, I try my best not to judge anyone. It’s not my place.

In America- we’re allowed to voice whatever opinion we have. Thing is: Someone’s opinion usually initiates more hate.

I hate to break it to you Christians who may be reading this: The Bible may state it’s a sin for a man to lay with another man. You do not know if Jesus/God said this. YOU DON’T. Just because a book tells you that it is the “word of God”, doesn’t mean it is. For all you know, a crackpot could’ve written the Bible and made his own beliefs regarded as God/Jesus’ beliefs.

Again. I’m not an atheist. I’m Catholic. And I have a hard time believing that “God’s word” judges other people. When… the Commandments speak of adultery, murder…yet people do this. Every damn day.

These victims in Orlando, God rest their souls, were out enjoying themselves with their friends, significant others, and families. Just because people don’t believe in gay marriage or gay rights; the people they were with, did.

This is a time we as a Nation should be looking at ways to prevent this behavior; not commend it. No one “deserved” what happened to them.

Hate is a major problem in this country.

Let’s stop the hate and come together.

At the end of the day…

Love wins over hate.

 

 

 

The World of Me…

I haven’t updated this in awhile because the heat has had me down and out. Of course, my migraines are back in full force. It seems like there is no relief for me in the migraine situation. Well, my neuro did suggest Botox injections. It sounds silly to get Botox for a migraine. I’m sorry, it does. I’ll hope that something helps soon. These crippling migraines are a little too much right now.

I’m in the middle of my employment situation. My previous job I left a week ago, well, they were well informed that I had MS. They said they were cool with it. Anyway, they could help me, they would. Of course, I’m going to point out when I think it’s a tad bit warmer than it should be in the building. I can’t control my body temperature. They knew this. As an assistant manager quit the week before, I walk into work and it is blazing. Someone has the thermostat way high. I felt sick. I felt dizzy. I couldn’t handle it. I simply thought I was going to die. When I asked for the heat to be turned down, no one ever touched it. I suffered for almost three hours before the other person I was working with noticed I was sluggish and turned the AC on. Needless to say, I quit two days later. Right now, I’m enjoying some down time. Kinda. The migraines.

Today, we finally laid my uncle to rest. His ashes to rest. I still feel empty about this. 5 months later, I don’t know how to … feel. Empty seems appropriate. 13310633_10153129529159364_4889025942678562647_n13339483_10153129529094364_5536415203061480594_n (1)13335555_10153129528984364_324781674203741895_n13315273_10153129529269364_3328635463381753577_n

After this…I came home to find out a friend I met while volunteering at The Salvation Army passed away from his heart condition today. He was 23. Due to get married in 2 weeks and was going to be put on the heart transplant list in 17 days.

It is another reminder that life is short.

Cherish everything.

Tomorrow isn’t promised.

My Adventure

My sister and friend (plus some kids) decided we all needed to have a hiking adventure yesterday. Me? Well, I was kind of leery about it. My experience with the Copaxone hasn’t been that great. I ended up with an Upper Respiratory Infection and tonsillitis. I was talked into the hiking adventure, however. Giving the benefit of doubt, I joined.

It couldn’t be that bad, right?

Right????

No, really, it wasn’t that bad. The hiking trail was beautiful. I do mean BEAUTIFUL.

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Then there was this waterfall…20160518_202445

….which my friend’s daughter later fell down and went with later. (Literally. She fell down the waterfall) and my sister cleverly yells “Don’t go chasing waterfalls..”

and then…

I’m proud of this one. I pushed myself to climb a cliff and finish the trail. Which I did.

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People may argue limits and boundaries with this disease… and I will argue one more time back. This disease is NOT and WILL NOT define who I’m going to be. I will continue to be who I’ve always been. A stubborn & determined person. I will always be that person. I may have MS… it does not have me.

Red Wine Cures…

Not a damn thing.

I went into a few glasses of red wine thinking it could cure at least some of the thoughts  I have weighing on my mind right now.

The RRMS…

Being into a friend who I thought was into me back.. seriously who leads someone on when you’re in your late 20s???? I guess that’s still a thing after all. Who knew.

Glass three…

I felt I was living Taylor Swift’s former life and felt like writing a hit song.

Glass four…

I hated my life.

Glass five…

I’m realizing glasses 1-4 might’ve been a mistake. I don’t drink often & not nearly enough.wine-red-yum

Random Thoughts

Fighting this MS battle is about one of the loneliest things ever. Especially when new meds come into the picture. When you know you’re about to be on the borderline of not even having meds anymore because it’s progressing and there just simply isn’t meds for different stages. This new medicine/injection is about one step away from me having to go to an IV treatment. Which means I’ll be exposed to other diseases far worse than this one. Brain virus. There’s one. Nothing and I do mean nothing fix the agonizing pain I am in day in and day out.
This is why I don’t share. I don’t complain because there is always that one person who feels someone has it worse. Let me tell you what is worse: Feeling like you’re about to become confined to a wheelchair because of your disease. Feeling as though your legs hate everything about you and in a single instant…. your legs are gone. Forget having people who understand. They’re either going to be on your side willing to be there for you… or they walk away. Good for them. I’ve actually discovered the meaning of friendship during this whole thing… let me say one thing: the majority of the people who claim they’re your friend are the fake people you don’t want in your life anymore.
So again… its another day. Same thing that I always go through daily. Now you all just know about it. Don’t judge a person before you know what’s actually going on with them. Believe me, this is one of the only times I will half way complain or share about any of this.