To Me: Before the MS Diagnosis

This is to you.

Right now, you’re living carefree. These words that follow, are the things are the words you’re soon going to need to hear. The previous incidents of falling down and falling down stairs are not incidents of being clumsy. They were most likely warning signs of what was to come. You laughed. The genetic signs were there and it never crossed anyone’s mind- especially yours.

You celebrated being 22. The warning signs are there. Something’s brewing beneath the surface. Signs that shouldn’t have been ignored. You should have been informed about the MS symptoms. You shouldn’t have been brushed off by multiple doctors, it did more harm than good.

Always stay positive. There will be days that you want to give up on everything and everyone. Including yourself. People may act like they understand and you will want to push them away.

Always let someone in your life.

 

In the Past Year…

In the past year, I have learned that the RRMS diagnosis I received years ago will not define who I am as a person. It will not take away what I know I’ve become. It may have taken away friends or people I thought were my friends…but I simply will not allow it take away me.

In the past year, I’ve become more compassionate towards others. I know this because I worked at a local Salvation Army in my hometown and the impact it left on my life will last a lifetime. The phrase “do not judge a book by its cover” brought a whole new meaning to my life.

In the past year, I’ve learned just because I want something, doesn’t mean I have to have it. If I let that want go, if it comes back again, you find yourself questioning if that want was meant to be. Let it go… it will come back… I’m sure of it.

In the past year, I’ve learned life is too short to have hatred towards others. It really is. My family suffered dearly over the loss of my uncle. It is an emptiness I cannot explain. Please love each other.

 

 

Update! Update! Update!

It’s been awhile since I’ve left any kind of update or anything. I’ve been extremely busy and now that it’s the holidays…it hasn’t gotten any better. I figured I’d update everyone because I have the house to myself, afternoon to myself (and a glass of wine) and what the heck, it’s been awhile!

For starters, I hope everyone is feeling happy, healthy as can be and well, happy!  I look forward to catching up on your blogs!

Secondly, while I was away, I bought my first house. Something I’m extremely proud of and it was the right push into my 30s, I do believe. My sister and I are sharing the house together and her dog and my cat pretty much run the place! We’re out numbered!

Thirdly, I have been working crazy hours. Studying for my Masters and life has caught up to me. The MS isn’t coping with all of the working, but I’m trying to figure out a more relaxed schedule. Hopefully, something changes!

 

Happy Holidays!

October 9, 2016

This blog post comes directly from my journal.

*12:18 AM*

I’m back to where I’m suffering from insomnia. Maybe it’s because I took a nap earlier today, I have no clue. I don’t know what is going to happen because I’ve taken myself off of all of my medications; even my treatment for MS.

*12 PM*

I don’t know if I’ll end up in a wheelchair, maybe I won’t. I know people talk about depression with this illness but at the end of the day- what isn’t there to be depressed about? If I didn’t have a job to look forward to, I’d probably suffer from major depression. I’ve tried to act normal and act like I’m not constantly in pain. The thing is: I’m not normal, and I’m always in pain.  I wish I could still shoot photos… I just can’t.

*4 PM*

I can’t go to the gym every day like I used to. I guess that could be a good reason to be depressed. I eventually could be depressed, if I don’t get some kind of normalcy back. If that’s even possible.

Uncomfortable Pain

I haven’t blogged for awhile. Minus the post from a few days ago.

My MS is keeping me homebound; 91% of the time. Since Monday my left leg has turned into what feels like a block of cement. I’m pretty much in a slight state of depression over this. I walk and feel nothing but pain. I want to cry, but I can’t. I’m dragging around my leg and I know people are looking at me, so why go outdoors? Why face the stares?

I have to. Because I do need to make a living while I still can.

Sigh.

Mental Health.

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Mental Health.

I feel like this post is way overdue.

Mainly because I know everyone at some point has struggled with a mental health problem in their lives. With the passing of Robin Williams two years ago, there has been more public acknowledgement of mental health issues. Why am I addressing this in a post?

Well..

There is a reader who follows me and I follow them… who is struggling with a mental health issue. I’m not sure if they are aware if they have a mental health issue. What I do know is that they feel alone and they feel trapped in their head. I know they feel their blog is their escape from their mental illness and reality. They feel not a single person in their life understands.

I want this person who may be reading this post to see this and know:

I understand.

You are NOT alone.

Six years ago, I was right where you are, right now.

I felt like no one understood. I felt like I was alone. I was drowning in everything. I was on the verge of leaving everything behind.

I had a note.

I was a risk to myself.

For all I know, I was a risk to others.

But I knew I had to ask for help. That I was aware of.

I was at rock bottom.

I asked for help because I didn’t know what else to do.

Now….

I still have my struggles, but I am back to where depression does not have a hold on me. I am whole again.

Ask for help.

Talk to someone.

You are not alone.

Orlando

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I feel as though I need to address what happened Sunday morning.

This act of terror hit close to home. No, I’m not gay myself. But a close friend and family members are. In fact, one lives close to Orlando.

Let’s look at it this way.

We’re all supposed to be free to love whomever we wish to love in this country. We’re supposed to have that right. No one has to agree with who we love.

Here’s the problem:

A man saw something he didn’t like between two other men. If it upset him, well, in my opinion, it was none of his business what this couple was doing.

That was the solution.

Mind your business.

That’s also another problem in this country. People don’t know how to stay out of anyone’s business.

This terrorist took it upon himself to take the lives of 50 people and injure 53 more. All because he didn’t agree with their lifestyle? How did the FBI let him skim under the radar once he was red flagged?

The more the week progresses, the more we try to understand how this happened.

As a Catholic person, I try my best not to judge anyone. It’s not my place.

In America- we’re allowed to voice whatever opinion we have. Thing is: Someone’s opinion usually initiates more hate.

I hate to break it to you Christians who may be reading this: The Bible may state it’s a sin for a man to lay with another man. You do not know if Jesus/God said this. YOU DON’T. Just because a book tells you that it is the “word of God”, doesn’t mean it is. For all you know, a crackpot could’ve written the Bible and made his own beliefs regarded as God/Jesus’ beliefs.

Again. I’m not an atheist. I’m Catholic. And I have a hard time believing that “God’s word” judges other people. When… the Commandments speak of adultery, murder…yet people do this. Every damn day.

These victims in Orlando, God rest their souls, were out enjoying themselves with their friends, significant others, and families. Just because people don’t believe in gay marriage or gay rights; the people they were with, did.

This is a time we as a Nation should be looking at ways to prevent this behavior; not commend it. No one “deserved” what happened to them.

Hate is a major problem in this country.

Let’s stop the hate and come together.

At the end of the day…

Love wins over hate.

 

 

 

Mental Health

I know there are more than a few readers who follow me that are dealing with a mental illness. I felt like there was no time like now to write this post.

I need to write this post because there is a reader who follows me- dealing with a tremendous amount of issues is her life. I do know she’s suffering from a mental illness; whether she wants to admit it or not. Maybe she’s not even aware of it. I know she feels as though no one understands what’s going on with her- trust me; there are people who understand.

I understand.

Six years ago, I went through a dark period of my life. This dark period was a suffocating depression and I felt like I was never going to be able to climb out of it. I was almost hospitalized for a breakdown because I couldn’t handle what was going on. My doctor felt as though I was a risk to myself. At that point, I began to seek treatment from two different therapists.

It was the best thing I could’ve done.

Why?

I had a suicide note.

I thought this was the only way out of the dark hole. I thought nobody cared. I felt alone. Sure, six years later, I’m still struggling to make sense out of that dark period. I’m doing better because I know there are people who care.

To the reader who is suffering and may be reading this:

People care. Even when you don’t believe no one understands, cares or notices there is something wrong: they know.

Reach out for help.

Believe me.

Living in a dark hole of a mental illness is no way to live.

Reach out before you lose the battle.

Reach out to someone… anyone.

Someone does care.

The World of Me…

I haven’t updated this in awhile because the heat has had me down and out. Of course, my migraines are back in full force. It seems like there is no relief for me in the migraine situation. Well, my neuro did suggest Botox injections. It sounds silly to get Botox for a migraine. I’m sorry, it does. I’ll hope that something helps soon. These crippling migraines are a little too much right now.

I’m in the middle of my employment situation. My previous job I left a week ago, well, they were well informed that I had MS. They said they were cool with it. Anyway, they could help me, they would. Of course, I’m going to point out when I think it’s a tad bit warmer than it should be in the building. I can’t control my body temperature. They knew this. As an assistant manager quit the week before, I walk into work and it is blazing. Someone has the thermostat way high. I felt sick. I felt dizzy. I couldn’t handle it. I simply thought I was going to die. When I asked for the heat to be turned down, no one ever touched it. I suffered for almost three hours before the other person I was working with noticed I was sluggish and turned the AC on. Needless to say, I quit two days later. Right now, I’m enjoying some down time. Kinda. The migraines.

Today, we finally laid my uncle to rest. His ashes to rest. I still feel empty about this. 5 months later, I don’t know how to … feel. Empty seems appropriate. 13310633_10153129529159364_4889025942678562647_n13339483_10153129529094364_5536415203061480594_n (1)13335555_10153129528984364_324781674203741895_n13315273_10153129529269364_3328635463381753577_n

After this…I came home to find out a friend I met while volunteering at The Salvation Army passed away from his heart condition today. He was 23. Due to get married in 2 weeks and was going to be put on the heart transplant list in 17 days.

It is another reminder that life is short.

Cherish everything.

Tomorrow isn’t promised.