October 9, 2016

This blog post comes directly from my journal.

*12:18 AM*

I’m back to where I’m suffering from insomnia. Maybe it’s because I took a nap earlier today, I have no clue. I don’t know what is going to happen because I’ve taken myself off of all of my medications; even my treatment for MS.

*12 PM*

I don’t know if I’ll end up in a wheelchair, maybe I won’t. I know people talk about depression with this illness but at the end of the day- what isn’t there to be depressed about? If I didn’t have a job to look forward to, I’d probably suffer from major depression. I’ve tried to act normal and act like I’m not constantly in pain. The thing is: I’m not normal, and I’m always in pain.  I wish I could still shoot photos… I just can’t.

*4 PM*

I can’t go to the gym every day like I used to. I guess that could be a good reason to be depressed. I eventually could be depressed, if I don’t get some kind of normalcy back. If that’s even possible.

Uncomfortable Pain

I haven’t blogged for awhile. Minus the post from a few days ago.

My MS is keeping me homebound; 91% of the time. Since Monday my left leg has turned into what feels like a block of cement. I’m pretty much in a slight state of depression over this. I walk and feel nothing but pain. I want to cry, but I can’t. I’m dragging around my leg and I know people are looking at me, so why go outdoors? Why face the stares?

I have to. Because I do need to make a living while I still can.

Sigh.

Mental Health.

mental health shutterstock

Mental Health.

I feel like this post is way overdue.

Mainly because I know everyone at some point has struggled with a mental health problem in their lives. With the passing of Robin Williams two years ago, there has been more public acknowledgement of mental health issues. Why am I addressing this in a post?

Well..

There is a reader who follows me and I follow them… who is struggling with a mental health issue. I’m not sure if they are aware if they have a mental health issue. What I do know is that they feel alone and they feel trapped in their head. I know they feel their blog is their escape from their mental illness and reality. They feel not a single person in their life understands.

I want this person who may be reading this post to see this and know:

I understand.

You are NOT alone.

Six years ago, I was right where you are, right now.

I felt like no one understood. I felt like I was alone. I was drowning in everything. I was on the verge of leaving everything behind.

I had a note.

I was a risk to myself.

For all I know, I was a risk to others.

But I knew I had to ask for help. That I was aware of.

I was at rock bottom.

I asked for help because I didn’t know what else to do.

Now….

I still have my struggles, but I am back to where depression does not have a hold on me. I am whole again.

Ask for help.

Talk to someone.

You are not alone.

Mental Health

I know there are more than a few readers who follow me that are dealing with a mental illness. I felt like there was no time like now to write this post.

I need to write this post because there is a reader who follows me- dealing with a tremendous amount of issues is her life. I do know she’s suffering from a mental illness; whether she wants to admit it or not. Maybe she’s not even aware of it. I know she feels as though no one understands what’s going on with her- trust me; there are people who understand.

I understand.

Six years ago, I went through a dark period of my life. This dark period was a suffocating depression and I felt like I was never going to be able to climb out of it. I was almost hospitalized for a breakdown because I couldn’t handle what was going on. My doctor felt as though I was a risk to myself. At that point, I began to seek treatment from two different therapists.

It was the best thing I could’ve done.

Why?

I had a suicide note.

I thought this was the only way out of the dark hole. I thought nobody cared. I felt alone. Sure, six years later, I’m still struggling to make sense out of that dark period. I’m doing better because I know there are people who care.

To the reader who is suffering and may be reading this:

People care. Even when you don’t believe no one understands, cares or notices there is something wrong: they know.

Reach out for help.

Believe me.

Living in a dark hole of a mental illness is no way to live.

Reach out before you lose the battle.

Reach out to someone… anyone.

Someone does care.

Sympathy… I Don’t Need It.

Whenever someone finds out I have MS, they act like I’m dying. Like it’s the worst news I’ve ever been given. Of course, I automatically want to punch said person(s) in the throat. Why?

Because I am left the rest of the day feeling self-conscious about myself. Whenever I get this sympathy,  I become uncomfortable with my diagnosis.

Note to you healthy people: Don’t do this to MS folks. Don’t.

We already have our issues with our bodies every day and we don’t need your sympathy to where we are even more aware of our issues. I don’t need to feel like there’s something “tragically” wrong with me. There isn’t. Outside of this disease, I’m quite okay. Fine, actually. I’m not depressed. I’m not upset anymore that I have RRMS, I’m quite content with it. It’s the hand I got dealt.

So please, when you find out my diagnosis, don’t give me that look and give me your “worst news” voice. Smile and wish me luck or ask me about my journey. Or please, change the topic. Or keep walking.

Looking Back

I know almost every one of my posts are about Multiple Sclerosis and how it’s changed my life. A year ago, I would’ve never told anyone I knew or associated with I had this disease.I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently and I sure didn’t want anyone to notice that I was different.

However, around the time I was rediagnosed and going through the things I was going through; once I opened up about having RRMS, I didn’t look back. I don’t know if it was the point I was 30, going through a lot of stress and depression that finally made me open up- or if it was the fact I was tired of being alone and fighting this disease.

I lost a good friend. I’m still not sure what his problem was or is. Maybe he didn’t want to think of me any differently; hell, for all I know, we were never friends to begin with. Which is a whole factor that still makes me question a lot of things since I was 16… but now is not the time to get into it. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I may be fighting a death sentence and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. What I do know is I’m done dwelling on this. Sure, it hurt me, but I’m adult. Not the 16-year old who would’ve handled this a lot differently.

These past few months have been the worst for me with fighting this disease. When my uncle passed away a few days before Christmas this year- all of the emotions and grief I went through made no sense. Nothing made sense. And when other family members were aware of my disease… the only thought in my head I kept hearing was “I don’t care. I don’t care.” The loss of my mom’s brother (the second one) was devastating. It was a blow I was unprepared for. I wanted to give up on everything. And after his wake- my life stopped making sense. Since his death, I know that I have to fight this battle. I have to. Today, my grandma brought up laying his ashes to rest next week– and this became a reality for me. My Uncle Bryan never is coming back. It still hurts.

The only thing I have gathered from this grief is that there are people who come into your life and you spend your time trying to figure out why this one person came to you— then you realize, it’s just God’s way of trying to make you feel better. The person I’m speaking of came into my and my sister’s life a few days after my uncle passed; I’ll be honest, this person is simply irreplaceable. Maybe my Uncle Bryan sent him to us– cause he knew how special this one person was… I’m not sure. What I do know, is I’m forever grateful.

Since I’ve been open and honest this past year about my RRMS; I’ve met some amazingly awesome people in the MS community I can never thank enough for being a support. Some of them are here on WordPress; some I’ve met on Twitter and Tumblr. Others are just people who’ve come into my life.

For that– I’m eternally grateful.

 

 

 

Feeling …..Down.

I’ve been fighting with my insurance company for over a month to receive the medication that I need. OF COURSE- it’s an MS medication. Why am I still fighting this?

Well, technically, I’m not. My neuro is. The denial I received pretty much said I didn’t “need” the medication because

  1. Diagnosis of clinically definite Relapsing-Remitting MS/or documented abnormalities by MRI.
  2. Other causes of symptoms of other diseases have not been ruled out (they have).
  3. Member has no concurrent illnesses to substantially reduce life expectancy.
  4. MEMBER DOES NOT HAVE IMPAIRED RENAL FUNCTION.

 

This…

This just upsets me.

When I spoke to an insurance person on the phone, she told me I did not need the medication and when I told her if I was denied a second time, I was going to get the medication anyway. She snottily replied “Good for you.” Good for me. Yes, this woman’s legit attitude was seriously in need of an adjustment. She also told me that if I needed a wheelchair in the future—- I would not be given that approval either.

And with other problems going on in my life with family, friends… school.. even work…. I’m just… not feeling it anymore.