Looking Back

I know almost every one of my posts are about Multiple Sclerosis and how it’s changed my life. A year ago, I would’ve never told anyone I knew or associated with I had this disease.I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently and I sure didn’t want anyone to notice that I was different.

However, around the time I was rediagnosed and going through the things I was going through; once I opened up about having RRMS, I didn’t look back. I don’t know if it was the point I was 30, going through a lot of stress and depression that finally made me open up- or if it was the fact I was tired of being alone and fighting this disease.

I lost a good friend. I’m still not sure what his problem was or is. Maybe he didn’t want to think of me any differently; hell, for all I know, we were never friends to begin with. Which is a whole factor that still makes me question a lot of things since I was 16… but now is not the time to get into it. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I may be fighting a death sentence and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. What I do know is I’m done dwelling on this. Sure, it hurt me, but I’m adult. Not the 16-year old who would’ve handled this a lot differently.

These past few months have been the worst for me with fighting this disease. When my uncle passed away a few days before Christmas this year- all of the emotions and grief I went through made no sense. Nothing made sense. And when other family members were aware of my disease… the only thought in my head I kept hearing was “I don’t care. I don’t care.” The loss of my mom’s brother (the second one) was devastating. It was a blow I was unprepared for. I wanted to give up on everything. And after his wake- my life stopped making sense. Since his death, I know that I have to fight this battle. I have to. Today, my grandma brought up laying his ashes to rest next week– and this became a reality for me. My Uncle Bryan never is coming back. It still hurts.

The only thing I have gathered from this grief is that there are people who come into your life and you spend your time trying to figure out why this one person came to you— then you realize, it’s just God’s way of trying to make you feel better. The person I’m speaking of came into my and my sister’s life a few days after my uncle passed; I’ll be honest, this person is simply irreplaceable. Maybe my Uncle Bryan sent him to us– cause he knew how special this one person was… I’m not sure. What I do know, is I’m forever grateful.

Since I’ve been open and honest this past year about my RRMS; I’ve met some amazingly awesome people in the MS community I can never thank enough for being a support. Some of them are here on WordPress; some I’ve met on Twitter and Tumblr. Others are just people who’ve come into my life.

For that– I’m eternally grateful.

 

 

 

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